From The GradeBook

From The Onion

Tips For Hosting An Oscar Party 

The 88th Academy Awards air Sunday, Feb. 28. Here are some tips for hosting an unforgettable Oscars watch party:

• Compile a list of friends who are knowledgeable about film and make sure not to invite any of them.
• Pass out ballots for everyone to fill out. Whoever has the most correct guesses at the end of the night gets installed as a board member of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.
• Remember, it’s always safer to stick to prewritten material than risk any off-the-cuff banter with your guests.
• As host, your job is to graciously defuse any violent tantrums when Oliver Tarney upsets Lon Bender for the Best Sound Editing award.
• Make sure to say a few things about how shameful the Academy’s lack of diversity is so everyone knows you know about that.
• Hide a camera in the bathroom just like real paparazzi.
• Be sure to congratulate any Oscar nominees at your party whether they win or not.
• Ultimately, as with any party, the most important thing is to give everyone a chance to sit back, relax, and watch far more attractive and successful people have the night of their lives.

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 Tips For Surviving Through High School

Troy's High :D

• In order to better prepare you for the four years ahead, go to Office Max and purchase four shopping cart (one for every year) full of pencils, pens, highlighters, notebooks, sticky notes, rulers, glue, binders, folders, hole punchers, stickers, etc. Take all these materials home and make sure to never use them.
• Upon making it into your classroom, be sure to fill out a form to receive the knowledgeable textbook to take back home, then back to school everyday.  Remember, if you didn't absorb any valuable information from the book, at least you now have the build to find a job in the physical labor force. After all high school is all about preparing students for all lifestyles. 
• Important rule of thumb: dress to impress. Show the world who the boss is. Dress in the most flashy and fashionable attire. Impress your teachers, your classmate, the trees in your school. Who doesn't know that high school is all about being the best in your class, so start of your fabulous high school career with an unforgettable appearance.
• As a high schooler, it is your time to shine. Take on all challenges so colleges know you exist. See a bully in the hallway? Don't be afraid. Take on the challenge and confront the bully. If you get halfway beaten to death, not a big deal--suck it up--at least you'll get some fame in the school.
• Make sure to say a few enlightening things about relationships in high school. Go assert yourself and find the love of your life. Make sure to break up after a month and engage in the high school love drama. Part of being in high school is finding your soulmate. So if one person doesn't work, move on to the next one. You are bound to find your future spouse. Never let the idea of moving on to college tear you two apart.
• Use your locker like a real student.
• Be sure to cheer on all your fellow classmates whether they passed the exam or not.
• Finally for any memorable high school experience, make sure to stress yourself out while you watch all the other smart people engage in useless activities in order to receive a bunch of spam emails from awesome colleges. Then when you start attending college, make sure to greet them when you see them in class in the same local university.

A letter -by anonymous

Dear critics:
    I am aware that it is a sad sight for many people to walk down the street and see other fellow humans eating animals. Many people fight against the inhumane rituals of gastronomy and thus created the concept of animal rights.
    I do believe, all would agree, that humans are without doubt the most powerful creatures on this planet. I do think that humans should continue to reign over this planet until of course the zombie apocalypse and zombies decide to over rule Earth.
    First I would like to argue that animals don’t have right. They never fought for it themselves. People do have a variety of rights however due to the constant petitioning for them. Women wanted rights, so they stood up and fought for them; African American’s have rights because they fought for them. Animals, if they want to have power, they ought to stand up for themselves like the pigs from the animal farm not to far away.
    Now why it’s okay to eat cow but not shark? I can tell you why; it is because sharks are what people call a dangerous, but rare specimen. Perhaps if humans were to start breeding rare creatures so everyone could get a taste of wealth. For there to be an abundance of shark out in the ocean, it would become mandatory to regulate the food chain and everyone would have to take part in enjoying the luxury of consuming shark fin soup. Then if we can eat the bountiful animals like pigs and chicken, why can we not eat dogs and cats? Humans are quite a weird group of animals; they are the only animal that segregates other living things: classifying them as good or bad. Domestic animals like cats and dogs have been a friend to humans for decades so, people must never eat them. Which to my concern is quite unfair for our dear farm animals.
    Enjoy being vegetarian, good. Like beef, even better. As an advocator or exquisite foods, I think that everyone has a choice as to what they would like to ingest. I think it is an unnecessary effort to bring to light the sciences behind a lobster’s ability to sense pain. Although it did make me cringe reading it, I do not know of a better way to cook what I like to eat. Thank you for the insight— I have now Considered the Lobster, but I will do no more.

                                                                                                         —Gourmet Reader

I Want a Daughter (2016)

I find myself among a group of people recognized as a daughter. I am A Daughter. Before knowing it, I am a sister.
Just recently my mother told me a story about how a friend of her's had a daughter who recently graduated from college and now is helping a younger sibling find a position in her newly started company. The mom had one dream--to have rich and successful children, which is, naturally, pushed onto the oldest daughter. My mom often tells me not to expect much from my brother because he is still young and biologically matures slower than girls--the daughter who is raised to support her family. I was writing an English blog post when I realized that I too would like to have a daughter. Why would I want a daughter?
I would like to be able to stay at home so I can catch up on some well deserved rest. Then before the kids come home, I would leave just one cookie on a plate. I like to see that my daughter gives the treat to her dear younger sibling. After all she is my daughter. I want a daughter who knows when her siblings are stressed. Oh and she also needs to know, more importantly, when to give me some space too. I want a daughter who does the chores. I want a daughter who chauffeurs the other children. I want a daughter who takes advanced courses, who is good at studying, who helps her brother achieve outstanding grade, who will eventually be successful and support her dear parents that sacrificed so much for her. I want a daughter who knows everyone's schedule then prepares the meals accordingly when I am not home. I too need my own time to enjoying having a social life because it's a tough leading a restricted life as a parent. My daughter must outstanding at academics, public speaking, sport etc, so where ever I go I can feel like I own the world. What else do I need to say, my daughter must be perfect.
Then when I am old and I cannot move around anymore, I want my daughter to find a new job as a Corporate Directer close to where I live. After all it is the eldest daughter's obligation to care for her aging parents.
Dear Lord, am I the only one who wants a daughter?

regrets

so i was going to post a valentine related post!! but i can't find the video... so im just going to refer back to my original idea ;( sadness overload!
HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYBODY! and president's day :)

Asian Family

Lily, a girl in a stereotypical Asian family, has a father that works overseas and a tiger mom. Like many other Asian families, her parent enforced the notion of becoming perfect being. She on the other hand did not share the same goal. The strict life her parents created for her was eventually the seed to her growing stubbornness. To be their perfect child was not Lily’s life motto; she wanted to enjoy her youth and fight more her own motive. In her mind she was against everything her parents forced onto her and she opposed what was commanded of her.

Among the multiple rigorous courses she engaged in, advanced placement English was one of them. In class, she was given a piece to actively read by the name “Shooting Dad” written by Sarah Vowell. Vowell illustrated the vast differences she shared with her father and how war would break within the house due to different political view points. After analyzing the piece in class she realize that just like Sarah’s similarities to her father, she actually shared the same dreams as her parents. On the surface, Vowell seemed very different from her father but they both shared the same artistic and creative mind. The father and the daughter both expressed their political standings in the same way, artistically.

Likewise, Lily and her mother shared the same ultimate goal, for Lily to have a bright and successful future, but their views on how to get to success was different. To her mother, Lily may be an extremely stubborn child, but Lily was not a problematic child. She followed the proper rules of society, had outstanding grades, and was an active citizen in her community. The only difference between Lily and her tiger of a mother was the definition of success. Lily’s mother desired that her daughter would become a leader of a large financial business where the whole world could admire her abilities, but for Lily, she wanted to be a delegate in the United Nations and be of aid to the world. Lily returned home knowing that her mother may have a different career in mind for her but ultimately Lily knows that her mom just wants her to be happy.

*This is not my family. My parents are super chill :)